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This is me

Jan 10th

I know – I am late to make my 11:11 post… I will do my best to get closer to a daily goal – I will –

I feel a little tired still, withdrawal is so so bad – and yet I keep falling down the rabbit hole. Anyways, Things aren’t easy at the beginning of anything, takes time to get used to it and make it a habit. Earlier I watched a clip from the movie: The Greatest Showman, this movie, specially the soundtrack : “This is me” was a HUGE wake up song that not only inspired to try to quit drugs and this journey, but it really fueled my fire and it made me stop and actually view where me life was at that point – I breakdown in tears every time that song comes on – it’s crazy! Mood wise I feel ok – this next couple of days are crucial during the withdrawal process. undefined

I’ll check back on later @ 11:11pm

Gratitude

So I have been out of touch of my daily journal, but it is never too late to keep going right?

So I have been very tuned in recently with my emotions, my intentions with the world and my own inner self love and care. Things are working and aligning so good It has been an insane couple of weeks. I dont feel the need to smoke or do more meth at all, where at times I doubted… I just told myself and had an internal inner dialogue going to control my cravings… Just like an honest conversation not an attack to my inner thoughts as it used to be before.

I have gone back to the gym, my body is thanking me so much! I feel lighter and clearer in my head. I managed to find a better job that the one I used to have too. This gave me not only such a boost in my self worth but also made me understand that no matter how lost I might have felt, I managed to keep going through it and I did it!

I also open my heart to love and met a wonderful person to whom I am super happy to explore to love again. I deserve this

My friends are starting to come back into my life, and this is super important for me. I am grateful.

I finally realize that being a previous drug addict never defined who i am nor does. And this is my message to the universe that I open my heart out and let all the light in finally.

I am complete, I am love, I am happy.

9 days

So I have gladly been 9 days sober. I feel my headspace is much better and clearer.

Depression is a bitch, as I have been able to do somethings but not everything. I dont know why it has been hard to go to the gym. I still feel weird out around people, but i know its all in my head. Afteral I have not socialized at all since I left the recovery program. But i am seeing a best friend tomorrow and attending an event.

Also letting know my close friends that I feel ready to get back into social life. I do – otherwise I would start feeling lonely and this could riple down into mayor depressive episodes.

Yesterday I received a letter, that all of the sudden my monthly support will be cut. I panicked – Now im just waiting for a response hopefully things will work out otherwise Ill have to go back to work – which I dont feel am ready for.

This fill me a little bit with anxiety. But i am doing my best to stay calm. Things happen for a reason – however im trying to find something interesting out there.

Everybody is doing emails now

So today, went great. Literally same thing as usual… recovering… HOWEVER I am using this momentum to join the gym and throw myself into a routine of working out and feeling better. I will take it easy tomorrow, but I am excited because nothing like sweating out the impurities, and loving your body.

I know I have been inconsistent with my posting times, but it will eventually happen. 🙂

Moments

Sadly, I made the wrong choice last night after the concert. I could of not gone to the guys place but I did.

I was already home then I received the msg. – this guy is aware that I want to quit and my intentions. – I am aware it wasnt the smartest choice – now I move on forward

With each relapse I feel more strength to reach my goal. I am going to be kind to myself – love myself and let go of what could have been.

One day at a time

Sunshine Kitty

Today I feel much better 🙂 – So happy I was able to avoid the temptation.

I noticed I was trying to talking my self that I could just still smoke some meth and slowly decrease the amount, which is fine for some people and its a harm reduction action that it is proven to work. However, I dont wanna do that. I guess i am doing the road less travelled which is endure the cold turkey feelings. Its grueling not gonna lie but it is what it is.

I aknowledge that each day I abstain from doing it will feel better.

Still have to join the gym so that I can focus my energy into something that has worked for me in the past. (I abstained for a Year earlier and then also a 6 month) y

Tonight something quite emotional will happen. I am going to a concert of a artist that has remarkably walked hand in hand with my addiction thru its music. I remember when the first record came out, I was at the peak of my drug use and its lyrics spoke so. It feels like going to see this artists will staple my commitment and will to get better and to close a cycle in my life. I can feel it so deep in my skin, it makes me emotional just to think about it – I will cry, im sure of this.

Temptation

Temptation is starting to lurke around me. I am making myself super busy. Tho I have most of past contacts blocked, today someone contacted me thru fb msgr, and I felt for a moment to give in, picturing the scenario of what we would do etc.

Althought I’m not going to ever inject anymore. That is out of the equation.

It makes me a little bit mad that I romanticized the thought of smoking meth again. It has been 7 days since I last injected and I feel apathetic but somehow weird. Theres no weird thoughts or hallucinations.

I’ve masturbated this next couple of days so that any sexual thoughts or urges dont drive me to use.

I feel super good I just wish to keep this up so I can finally surpass a weekend of no use and brace a 2 week abstinence.

This too shall pasa

Part Of Me

It’s been 5 days since my last drug binge. I feel good. The fact that i am not contemplating in going to use into the weekend. Although I am still a prisoner to this monster that is Meth, I feel strong enough to say NO. I am not going to do it, I am not feeding this disgusting addiction that has been using me.

It usually takes me when I am the most vulnerable, when I feel that I got this controlled and is not gonna happen. I recognize now those moments, and I am tricking my brain to save my soul.

Changes

I feel better today. A little less anxious than yesterday… it explains I have been sleeping so much recently.

I’ll keep myself busy, and stay positive today!

I should join the gym soon! Working out was the one thing that helped me to stay away from use. I know deep down this is the answer.

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